Setting Healthy Boundaries and Fostering Connection During the Holidays

🎙️ Discover the Art of Setting Healthy Holiday Boundaries!

In this enlightening episode, we delve into the complexities of family dynamics during the holiday season. Explore how systems therapy views families as evolving systems and learn to navigate relationships that range from comforting to challenging. We discuss how vital it is to be present and mindful in interactions, emphasizing the importance of repairing and nurturing connections for lasting peace.

Key Takeaways:
- Understand your "felt sense" during family interactions and its impact on setting boundaries.
- Learn strategies to strengthen or repair difficult relationships within your family system.
- Discover why true human connection outweighs material success in achieving life satisfaction.

Tune in now to transform your holiday gatherings into moments of genuine connection!

In this podcast, I want to help you try to set some healthy boundaries, appropriate boundaries around the holiday seasons. This is an interesting time for a lot of people, right? Families get together. Families all have a system. You know, in family therapy, it's called systems therapy, and it really dives into how a system works. 

As systems begin to evolve and develop, or let's say a family, you have a core family, you have certain roles and relationships in the family. Then people grow up, they get married, they introduce other individuals into the family system, and it can create an interesting mix. As I'm sure you're aware in your own particular circumstance. There's some people in our family system that we love being around, feel comfortable, and then there's some that we kind of tolerate and just try to get through the days. And then there's some that really create some challenges for us to the point that I'm not going, you know, to this party or family function and so forth.

So be mindful of that. Be mindful. I'm asking you in this podcast to pay attention to the—what I call the felt sense. How do I feel in my body during my interactions or the thoughts of interactions with different individuals in my family system? Pay attention to that and then also impose the question: is there something that you can do to actually strengthen a relationship that you're having difficulty with? Are there some things that you can do to perhaps repair a relationship or even enhance a relationship that might be going well?

You know, the longer I do this work, I've seen people become extremely wealthy in life. I've seen them become obsessed with success, with fame, with money. I mean, I know individuals who have Super Bowl rings. I know individuals who have gold medals from the Olympics. And, you know, we set our sights on those things, which is healthy and good. We've got to be striving for things in life, but they're just not the most important thing at the end of the day.

Relationships—the level of connection you have with the most important people in your life—is the most important of all. I'm just—again, the longer I do this work, it seems like that is the core issue. And where all of our problems start in life is when we're raised in a system where we, for whatever reason, don't feel safe in that system; don't feel validated; don't feel heard; don't feel understood; don't feel coached in a healthy way enough.

And that's a challenge for all of us because none of us have perfect parents. Right? So I have four children of my own. Each one of them are so different. They do not come with an owner's manual. I have 11 grandkids right now. Each one of them comes with their own individual package. And it's—and each one needs to be dealt with individually. And each is so special and important, each in their own way.

Also working with a number of individuals out here in Florida where I'm at—they're a number with some pretty significant mental health issues: Asperger's, autism—where their social skills are extremely tenuous. I mean, they really have some strange social quirks, tics, behaviors.

And there's a young single adult group that I deal with on a regular basis. And, you know, we have an individual there that has a brain injury who accidentally shot himself with a gun five years ago. It's a miracle that he lived. But he's in a wheelchair; he can't speak. But he comes to join this group and he's loved and accepted.

There's about what—50 in the group—and I would say probably seven to ten have some pretty significant mental health issues and probably five of them—severe mental health issues.

And I—the thing about this group—that is so amazing—is that everyone is welcome. There's no judgment; there's no criticism; there's no being made fun of. We rejoice in everybody's individuality and we take one's strength too and try to lift one up that's maybe struggling in certain areas.

But again—back to relationships, back to systems—and the core system around the holidays always revolves around the family.

Be healthy and do what you need to do. I mean, if things are so unhealthy, then you need to set certain boundaries so you don't want to put yourself into unsafe situations.

But the question always is—and that's the core of therapy—is taking care of ourselves individually and then doing what we can to heal our family systems—family of origins—so that we can find peace in our life.

Right? I mean, what is the purpose—the overall purpose—of us living? It is to find peace. And the greatest avenue to do that is to work on connections with other people.

So what I'm asking you to consider during the holiday seasons—or if you're listening throughout the year—is family gatherings: try to focus and really be present with the individuals that you are with because you can be in the room with people and be completely dissociated and feel all alone.

Watch your internal dialogue. I know individuals like that who just take themselves completely out of the mix: "No one likes me," "I'm useless," "I'm horrible." To do that to yourself?

Everyone has something to give. Everyone is unique.

And in that regard—a movie clip pops into my mind. It's one of my favorite all-time movie clips—and I think in these podcasts I've brought it up before—but a lot of times when I do these podcasts I just start talking and thinking about what's on my mind.

I was listening again this morning reminding myself of this movie clip; it comes from an old Star Trek movie called *Insurrection*. It's about this planet that has some energy source in it that keeps people young infinitely.

And so the main group that's living there is like 500 years old but looks like they're in their 30s or 40s—it just keeps people young.

Anyway—as Captain Picard from the Starship Enterprise comes and visits this planet—I'm totally butchering this—but for the point of this story—I just want to explain it this way:

He meets these people and they come across as having an agrarian culture—it means they're farmers; they're artisans; they're working with their hands; their kids are out playing one with another.

And the kids are doing things that show they have amazing mental capacities.

Captain Picard is talking to the matriarch of this culture as he's walking with her; this conversation ensues.

As Captain Picard watches their culture—their amazing mental capacity to do things physically, artistically—and so forth—he says to her: "Did your people's mental capacity develop here?"

She says back: "Ah! More questions! Always the explorer."

And she says: "If you stay long enough that'll change—you stop reviewing what happened yesterday; stop planning for tomorrow."

Then she says: "Let me ask you a question: Have you ever experienced a perfect moment?"

Captain Picard says: "A perfect moment? Kind of like—what do you mean—a perfect moment?"

She says: "You know when time seemed to stop—you could almost live in that moment."

Captain Picard stops and ponders for a minute and goes: "Ah… seeing my home planet from space for the first time."

She says: "Yes! Nothing more complicated than perception."

And she says: "See—you explore the universe—but we've discovered that a single moment in time can be a universe in and out of itself full of powerful forces."

"Unfortunately most people aren't aware enough of 'the now' even to notice."

Then Captain Picard says: "Wow! I wish I could spare a few centuries to learn!"

Her response is: "It took us centuries to learn—that it doesn't have to take centuries to learn."

Anyway—that movie clip means a lot to me because it's a tremendous reminder just to be present.

Also another thing pops out from this movie—they had already advanced technologically even beyond what Captain Picard did—with warp drive and all that stuff.

And I'm thinking about our world right now—with AI and all these things we're doing—and all these weapons we have—to create war and domination—and all of that—in this culture.

Captain Picard says: "Boy you're very… an agrarian culture; I'm sure you don't have much knowledge," etc.

Basically—in their conversation—they said: "Hey—we've already done all stuff you're doing—and far beyond what you're doing—we have more technology than you're even aware of."

And they said: "You know what? We got rid of it all; we got rid of all our weapons because where could any of that take us but away from here?"

Where they were living was like paradise.

I think that's eventually what's going to happen as human race—all this stuff with AI—all our fascination with more likes… more likes… more likes… 

All these people online doing totally inappropriate things especially on TikTok—I never even been on TikTok but I've seen Instagram—and some things on there are like…

I worked with many clients who become addicted—it’s almost unspeakable what people are doing with their bodies—to induce lust and distraction—for likes—it’s like selling souls for likes and money.

What is money going give you?

All those are fake relationships—and they hijack limbic part of brain—to steal ability to focus on deeper meaningful things.

Hence back—to relationships—real relationships where you care for another person.

Here's interesting thing—as I work in therapy—with many clients both male & female—at end day what everyone really wants:

Just true human connection—

Just listen—

Just validate my feelings—

Don’t try fix things—

Just listen & hear me out—

When you listen & I feel safe—I like you—

Then I'll tell more about me—

But if you're judgmental or critical or pressuring me—it’s like I don’t feel safe—

I was with wonderful client—a young mother—this morning—

She said her relationship is explosive—

She shut down long ago—not safe around him—

Problem now—we have kids—

Navigating life through—

If she ever expresses feeling he’s explosive…

It’s sad & uncomfortable…

She says “What am supposed do?”

She's doing best…

I said as getting healthier & stronger—you gotta learn speak up:

“I’m sorry—I’m not going…

We have change…

Something we can do work on relationship…

Your explosiveness scares me—I feel unsafe…”

“I’m not sure realize how respond…

If care please help please listen…

I don’t mean contentious but gotta talk…”

Anyway just wrapping up thoughts:

Back holidays—as entering holidays—as doing podcast—

Slow down!

Where going so fast?

Always rushing!

Rush rush rush!

Stop!

Be present!

Give person front time focus concern energy!

Let them know matter!

If keep working—I guarantee except extreme situations relationships can heal & improve over time!

Encourage think about during holiday season…

Happy holidays!